my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
