when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
