Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
