Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
