What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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