'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Duck Duck Cougar?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I know her cup size but not her name....
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
