It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
