maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
