I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
