Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Randomize
