Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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