In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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