it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
