My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
