I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
