ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
