Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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