Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
