Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
where does the pee come out of this thing
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
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