I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
