atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
