we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
