I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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