meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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