there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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