I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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