And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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