So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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