We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
