I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
