It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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