I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
