Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
