Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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