i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
