apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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