You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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