the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
