you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
