That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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