In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
