ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
God, I missed his penis.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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