She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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