You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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