I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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