ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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