Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
