I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
