I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
not ubering you a puppy
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
