I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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