some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
