I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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