so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
