wanna go halves on a baby?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
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