I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
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you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
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Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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